 I’ve always hated thank you notes. The impersonal, cultural script we’ve been taught since childhood: “Dear So-And-So, Thank you for the doll. I really like it. Love, So-And-So.”
My whole life, I’ve felt guilty receiving thank you notes because I thought about what a bummer it must have been for the senders to write and mail them. The sense of duty and obligation that’s drilled into us as kids. I mean, how many times did our parents force us to write thank yous for our birthday gifts? Were you ever actually grateful or – like most kids – did you view it as a chore? Even more than receiving thank you notes, I hated writing them. Feeling constrained by the expected script, I felt the necessity to list the gifts, as if the note served as some sort of receipt for goods exchanged. I hated writing about how the gifts would be used, as though I were reaffirming the usefulness of the exchange. I hated feeling like gift giving was some sort of transactional process. So I stopped writing thank you notes. And I’ve never made my kids write them. And I felt good about that decision. Until now. Maybe it’s because, during this time of social isolation, our connections have become so fleeting and fragile. Maybe I’m becoming more sentimental as I age. Maybe it’s my increased awareness of the impermanence of life. Maybe it’s because I’m finally in a place where I have the self-confidence to genuinely accept thank yous and compliments. But I’m pretty sure the game changer for me was when I absorbed the knowledge that expressing appreciation in a specific way is a form of love. Call it my thank-you-note-a-ha-moment. What if, I thought, I changed the way I express thanks? Oftentimes, traditional thank you notes are mostly about the person writing them. I mean, we touch on the gift giver, but then generally turn the attention back to ourselves (e.g. I love this gift, I will use it to fill-in-the-blank, I can’t wait to try blah, blah, blah). What if, instead of using thank you notes to verify a transaction and talk about how great the gift is for us, we used the notes as opportunities to convey our appreciation in a way that truly made the giver feel seen? What if we used thank you notes as a way to express gratitude, not just for the gift itself, but for the qualities and personal attributes we love about the gift giver? What if doing so brought us closer to the people in our lives? And, with these possibilities in mind, I changed my stance on thank you notes. I bought stationery. And I’m officially becoming a thank-you-note person. Because reframing thank you notes as expressions of love, instead of expected social niceties, is something I can get behind.
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 The last several months have been filled with difficulty and uncertainty for so many people around the world. Thanks to coronavirus, our lives have been upended in unimaginable ways: friends and relatives have been seriously ill (and many have died), businesses have closed, millions of people have lost their jobs, children are bemoaning the loss of their social lives, and parents who were already struggling to work from home suddenly became homeschool teachers / full-time social-distancing-entertainment coordinators.
How are you staying sane in the midst of this global pandemic? Have you moved past the grief of what has been lost? Do you appreciate the surprising benefits that have resulted from this unanticipated “life pause”? Are you making a daily effort to stay positive and resilient? If you find yourself struggling to stay emotionally afloat, Positive Psychology expert Jordyn Feingold recommends implementing one or more of the practices below. I’ve implemented all three and can honestly say they’ve made a difference in both my day-to-day mood and my overall disposition. I hope you’ll try them and let me know if they work for you! 1. Three Blessings Exercise
2. Character Strengths
3. Savoring
Positivity exercises are not one-size-fits-all. Find something that nourishes your heart, whether it’s one of the above suggestions or a unique practice that works for you. The coronavirus pandemic has upended our lives in so many ways, and its aftershocks will likely affect us for years to come. We can wallow in negativity or choose proactive positivity. I choose to smile, count my blessings, appreciate my strengths, savor the moment, and make the most of the situation. How about you? Did you know you can train your brain to be happier?
Over the last 50 years, study after study has shown that happiness can largely be controlled by the choices we make in our lives. According to Dr. Katherine Nelson-Coffey, author of “The Power of Happiness in Positive Psychology 101,” a person’s baseline happiness quotient is 40% genetic and 10% a result of whether our fundamental needs (shelter, food, safety, etc.) are met. The other 50% of our happiness quotient – the largest portion of what makes us happy – is our mindset.* This is great news for all of us, but especially for people struggling to get through (or rebound from) stressors. At this moment in history, we are collectively experiencing some BIG sources of stress: global pandemic, racial inequities, rioting and looting, plus the innumerable little stressors in our lives: traffic, passive-aggressive co-workers, lost keys, crying babies, and so forth. So how do we make ourselves happier? Let’s start with the “Happiness Dont’s:” 1. Perfectionism: When we strive to meet intangible goals and inappropriate levels of expectations, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment and unhappiness. Instead, set reasonable, achievable goals, set healthy boundaries, and reality-check expectations of yourself and others (including your children, coworkers, friends, etc). 2. Social Comparison: Measuring our social and personal worth by comparing ourselves to others is a recipe for disaster. While it is healthy to admire qualities or talents in others, comparison should be limited to self-evaluation. In other words, we should only compare ourselves to who we were in the past. 3. Materialism: I’ll be the first to admit: I LOVE shopping. I’ve even been known to refer to Target as “my happy place.” And while filling our carts with adorable finds makes us feel good in the moment, attaching happiness to external things is dangerous. The “high” of a new material acquisition is fleeting: items break or get lost, financial situations change, the shopper’s high wears off, and our happiness plummets. 4. Maximizing: Bigger is not always better. Constantly looking for better options and wanting newer, bigger things is a one-way ticket to misery. Instead of seeking upgrades at every turn, focus on being present and finding gratitude in small moments. 5. Waiting: Many people link their potential happiness to a future event. How many times have you thought, “I’ll be happy when I get (fill in the blank)?” Don’t wait to be happy. Life is short. Think of things you are grateful for, and be happy today. Now for the “Happiness Do’s:” 1. Altruism: The vast majority of “happiness experts” (yes, it’s a thing) agree that the number one way to increase our own happiness is to help others. While this advice may sound counterintuative, it actually makes perfect sense. Helping others makes us feel good, reminds us of the blessings in our own lives, and increases our capacity for compassion which, in turn, boosts our happiness. Also, while we cannot control receiving, we can control giving. And that control – real or perceived – makes us happy. 2. Pursue Goals, Not Dreams: In order to increase our happiness, we must set tangible, achievable goals. This doesn’t mean you can’t dream of big, long-range goals; however, such goals should be broken down into small steps, and the completion of each step should be celebrated (because celebrating makes us happier). 3. Know (and Practice) Your Strengths: Assess your strengths and find new ways to use them. You might not always love everything that needs to be done but you can use your strengths to tackle the hard stuff. Consider whether you can outsource at least some of the tasks you don’t enjoy doing or aren’t good at and find more ways to use your strengths, because being strong and useful feels fabulous. 4. Invest in Friendships: Having real, in person, close-knit friendships is guaranteed to make you happier. While casual acquaintances, online “friends,” and professional colleagues are also important, these relationships don’t generate the same level of well-being as your true friends. Nurture your true friendships and make time to get together, even if it’s via video chat. 5. Count Your Blessings: Make a consistent effort to think about the good things in your life. Express gratitude, out loud, every day. Saying “thank you” often – whether it’s to your coworkers, your partner, or the lady at the grocery check-out – will make others feel good, strengthen your relationships, and boost your happiness quotient. 6. Practice: Even those who are genetically predisposed to despair can become incrementally happier with practice. Use the above suggestions as a guide, and try doing at least one thing per day to boost your happiness. Studies have proven that happiness and resilience are closely linked. Happy people believe they have the tools and grit to overcome difficulties in life (AKA: resilience), and resilience increases subjective well-being (AKA: happiness). This means we can simultaneously increase both our happiness and our resilience. And everyone loves a two-for-one deal, amiright? *Depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions are real. Whether or not you’ve experienced a traumatic event, if you are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, I strongly encourage you to seek professional help. Reach out to a medical provider in your area or call the confidential National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. Over the last several months, much of the world has encountered a once-in-a-lifetime workplace shift. Tens of millions of employees have been laid off, furloughed, or forced to accept cutbacks in hours and pay. Small businesses are struggling to stay afloat as owners are forced to dip into their personal savings. The lucky few who still have full time jobs may find themselves suddenly isolated, working from home with little to no interaction with their peers, colleagues, and mentors.
These struggles have produced high levels of stress and anxiety, and have tested our collective resilience in unprecedented ways. As many businesses reopen, owners and managers will find themselves asking, “How can I get my team back on track?” Here’s the good news: research shows that, even in casual work relationships, resilience is contagious. In a recent study, behavioral statistician Joseph Folkman identified a list of the most “contagious behaviors” that improve workplace resiliency. According to Folkman, “When a person performs these behaviors well, their peers mirror these behaviors, and persons who perform these behaviors poorly seem to teach the opposite lesson.” As many of us head back to our offices and workplaces, leaders should consider the following steps to reengage and reinvigorate your workforce: 1. Energy and enthusiasm is contagious, but so is low energy and lack of enthusiasm. Try to be positive and show up with a smile every day! 2. Strive to over-deliver. Wanting to improve yourself and your work product is contagious. So is the tendency to slack off and do the minimum it takes to get by. Set an example by taking pride in your work and striving for continuous improvement. 3. Take on new challenges. Setting big goals encourages others to do the same. 4. Be a cheerleader for others. Celebrate big and little successes and make an effort to inspire others to high levels of achievement, 6. Find ways to change and improve the status quo. Be brave enough to speak up and share new ideas. Courage is contagious! 7. Don’t be afraid to ask your coworkers for feedback. Asking others’ opinions doesn’t make you appear weak; it actually demonstrates bravery and makes you a more effective leader. 8. Take feedback to heart, and use it to improve yourself and your business. When employees see you taking action based on their feedback, they will feel valued and encouraged to work harder. 9. Walk the walk. Endeavor to be a role model for other employees. Seeing you take charge and follow through will encourage others to try harder. 10. Embrace change. Acknowledge areas where change is needed and make a plan. Change can be difficult but, if done correctly, can improve both your business and the resilience of those involved. As businesses reopen, what steps will you take to model resilience and inspire others? Resilience is an equal opportunity character trait. It’s not reserved only for those who’ve endured the most difficult, traumatic situations imaginable, nor is it a cinch to master resilience if you’ve met relatively few challenges in life. Constructing resiliency in your own life requires a Swiss Army Knife of instruments you can use every day to sharpen your skill and carve away the negativity that is stunting your personal growth.
1. Thought Rescue: When you’re stuck with that heavy burden of death-spiral negativity, attempting to think your way out of it is futile. Take action that occupies mind and body simultaneously, even in short doses: exercise, deep breathing, using a meditation app or wearing a pendant, bracelet or ring that you can physically touch will force a pause in that wave that’s pulling you under. 2. Fact-Check Your Imagined Doom: Step back from yourself to ask: What is the worst that can happen? Is the worst-case scenario the most likely outcome? What is true? Feelings are real, but they are not reality or a permanent state of being. You may feel like a total failure after the loss of a job or relationship, but if you take the time to detail other aspects of your life beyond that single situation, you will likely find a number of things you are doing right or have done right, debunking your “total failure” self-assessment. 3. Do Hard Things: Avoiding discomfort is natural, but failure and hard work are an opportunity to build your resilience resume. What you avoid will usually come back again and again until you’ve learned the lesson meant for you. Reframe your outlook by exchanging the term “hard” for “challenging.” This automatically set yourself up as a challenger who can rise to the occasion. Choose to challenge yourself even in small ways where success is likely to build your challenger resume. Even having a difficult conversation or tackling junk drawer organization can be chalked up as a challenge. Pursuing what makes us uncomfortable and overcoming it builds resilience. 4. Resilience Journal: Make a list of challenges and failures you’ve previously experienced. How did you succeed? What did you learn? From a distant lens, can you see how you grew and developed from failures? Can you see how you may have benefited in the midst of hard times? Practice looking back as a dispassionate observer to assess the experiences of everyone involved in a particular conflict. How would you handle this situations differently now? Note your capacity to overcome and succeed or survive! 5. Visualization: What does success look like? Imagining the specifics of who you will be, how you will feel and how you will look back on your current challenges is an important tool for getting out of a negative, defeatist headspace and equipping yourself with a triumphant view of your future self. 6. Look for Silver Linings: A fancy word for this is “reappraisal ability,” but what it really means is the ability to find the positive (and generate positive emotions) in the midst of very grim situations. On the worst days, “I have oxygen to breathe” may be all you can muster, but it’s a start. If you can’t see any positives in your current state, can you look back to previous challenges to see what positives were hiding just behind the clouds? Can you identify opportunities that came from past difficulties or what opportunities could come from this one? If it’s tough to do in your own life, you can even practice this with fictional characters in movies or on TV. What advice would you give them? Could that same advice apply to you? “Your loss is not a test, a lesson, something to handle, a gift, or a blessing. Loss is simply what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen.” - David Kessler
Today, as we collectively battle coronavirus, millions of people around the world are grieving. Our losses might be big (the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, the end of a relationship) or small (missing prom or vacation, not being able to meet our friends for lunch, not being able to hug our grandparents). Whatever the nature or magnitude of our losses, each is valid and worthy of our grief. Most of us have at least a passing knowledge of the 5 stages of grief, as established by Elisabeth Kubler Ross:
In her later years, Kubler Ross went on to collaborate with fellow death and grieving expert, David Kessler. Together, they developed a new, sixth stage of grief: finding meaning. In his book, “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief,” Kessler wrote: “Grief is extremely powerful. It’s easy to get stuck in your pain and remain bitter, angry, or depressed. Grief grabs your heart and doesn't seem to let go.” “But if you can manage to find meaning in even the most senseless loss, you can do more than get unstuck. When circumstances are at their worst, you can find your best. You can keep growing and finding ways to live a good life and someday even a joyous life, one enriched by the lessons and love of the person who died.” “Ultimately, meaning comes through finding a way to sustain your love for the person after their death while you’re moving forward with your life.” Kessler also provides the following advice on applying meaning to your grief:
Whether you’re grieving a big loss or a small loss, things will get better. You are resilient. You’ve got this. And, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, I’m here to help. Where does resilience originate? Research shows resilience is a learned trait, one that is developed through life experiences, and not an innate attribute we possess at birth. So what makes certain people more resilient than others? What inspires one person to conquer adversity, while another individual, faced with similar circumstances, surrenders to failure?
According to Christian Moore, author of “The Resilience Breakthrough,” resilient people are motivated by one of four factors: 1. Relational Resilience: Those with relational resilience are inspired to succeed because they recognize that others depend on them. They draw strength from the emotional support of others, enjoy serving others, and thrive on human connection. 2. Street Resilience: Individuals who exhibit street resilience take the pain of their experiencs (including social inequality, disrespect, or mistakes) and use it as fuel to overcome obstacles. They use their rage as a catalyst to create success, and they direct their hurt and anger toward a cause rather than an individual. 3. Resource Resilience: People with resource resilience recognize they are in control of their ability to overcome obstacles, and they use resources already available to them to find strength. They are aware of their vast capabilities, including spontaneity, talents, relationships, physical assets, personality traits, and work ethic. They are also able to assess and develop their untapped potential. 4. Rock Bottom Resilience: These individuals are able to tap into their strength and resilience only after hitting their lowest point in life. Once a person hits rock bottom, they realize that losing in the past does not equal losing in the future. They are then able to take control, believe in themselves, and refuse to be defined by negative labels previously assigned by themselves or others. If you recognize your motivation to push past adversity, you can focus on the strengths you already possess to come out stronger on the other end. So, readers, what type of resilience are you using to get yourself through these uncertain times? “We are all dealing with the collective loss of the world we knew. The world we knew is now gone forever.” - David Kessler
Today, I listened to the most extraordinary interview: “David Kessler and Brené Brown on Grief and Finding Meaning.” Before listening, I hadn’t considered that what we are all experiencing right now, in the midst of this global pandemic, is grief. Grief doesn’t have to be related to death. We might be grieving the loss of a job, the loss of physical connection with our friends or loved ones, the loss of our routines, or of gathering to worship; whatever our loss(es) might be, they are real. And our losses cannot be ranked or compared to anyone else’s suffering because, as Kessler states, “The worst loss is always your own loss.” I’m going to repeat that, because it’s so powerful: “The worst loss is always your own loss.” So, when our kiddos are driving us bananas because they are missing prom, or football, or fill-in-the-blank-social-event, we can perhaps find grace in knowing these losses might be the worst losses they have experienced in their young lives. And anyone else’s comparative suffering doesn’t make their grief any less real. I also want to share with you a parable told by Kessler – “the parable of the long spoons.” In this story, a man walks into a room and sees the finest feast he’s ever observed; however, all the guests appear to be starving. The man realizes that the guests cannot feed themselves because the only utensils provided are spoons that are far too long for anyone to reach their mouths. The man is then told he is in hell. The same man enters the next room, which houses the same feast with the same spoons. In this room, though, the healthy, happy people are contentedly feeding one another. Brené Brown responds to this parable by astutely noting that, when we are all grieving at the same time, “The difference between hell and heaven is taking care of each other.” During this shared crisis, this will be my takeaway: we are all grieving. And the only way to move past that grief is to take care of one another. Thank you, David Kessler and Brené Brown, for a lesson I’ll never forget, and a lesson we should all remember in the days and months ahead. I encourage you to check out Brené Brown’s podcast, “Unlocking Us,” on Apple, Stitcher, or your preferred podcast provider. Anyone reading this right now knows we are in the middle of the global pandemic sh!tshow known as the coronavirus. We’re all confused and scared. But - HOLY HELL - I am terrified. So I was especially surprised when, while talking with a girlfriend yesterday (on the phone – social distancing, people!), she said:
“If this turns out to be the zombie apocalypse, you’re the person I want on my team.” Huh? Surely she couldn’t be referring to me, the *least* outdoorsy of all city-loving folk. “Not because you hunt or anything,” she said. “But because nothing ever phases you. The world could be ending, and you would calmly direct everyone where to go, what to do, and which shoes to pack.” I laughed, of course, at the thought of me in my designer heels and sunglasses, fighting off the undead. But, as I reflected on my friend’s statement, I started to understand what she meant. I might not be an amazing hunter-gatherer, but I am a world-class compartmentalizer. According to Wikipedia, “Compartmentalization is a subconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person's having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves.” Yep, I rock at compartmentalizing. Whether it’s from years of working in law enforcement in Los Angeles’s Skid Row, seeing the worst of the worst: gnarly dead bodies, extreme abuse, humanity at its absolute lowest, or from the rough road I’ve walked in my personal life, nothing phases me. More accurately, this pandemic stuff phases the hell out of me; I’m just really adept at staying calm, cool, and collected, no matter what. You might be saying to yourself, “Yeah, yeah, zombies, compartmentalizing . . . what does this mean for me?” Well, I wasn’t born this way. And through the years, I’ve gained enough perspective and wisdom to understand how I developed these skills. Call it what you will: Compartmentalizing. Keeping a cool head. Resilience. I’ve got this down. And I think I’ve developed a way to teach these skills to others. I mean, who doesn’t need some serious resilience right about now? Bring on the zombies. Follow along. I’ve got you. One important step in the roadmap to resilience is maintaining a strong support system of friends and loved ones. The current environment of social distancing and quarantines presents unique challenges when it comes to connecting with others. Here are a few ways our family has found to bridge the gap with those outside our home:
1. Checking in frequently via text. Whether or not you’re normally a big texter (I’m not), now is a great time to use this tool to stay in touch. Even a quick, “How are you doing today?” can be a lifesaver for a friend who’s struggling. 2. Using Facebook or another social media app. I prefer Facebook for a few reasons: (1) It’s super easy to share photos and videos, along with text. (2) Its Messenger feature is a great way to message a group of friends. (Better than text for groups, IMO, because I tend to get annoyed when my phone is constantly pinging every time someone replies to the group.) Facebook Messenger allows you to simply turn off notifications for a set period of time (for example, while you’re working or trying to homeschool), yet still access the messages at your leisure. (3) The Messenger Kids app is fantastic. It has strict parental controls, and allows kids to connect with friends via traditional text or live video chat. 3. Zoom “virtual happy hours.” Zoom is a free app that allows for group videos. Prior to the coronavirus, the app was largely used by businesses for remote video conferencing. In recent weeks, however, many have discovered that Zoom is a fantastic way to get together with a group of friends for a virtual happy hour or dinner. Give it a try and let me know what you think! 4. Humor Lets face it: All of this uncertainty and disruption is scary. And humor is a wonderful tension reliever. A funny meme or inside joke with friends can help turn someone’s mood around. 5. Snail mail. Kids love to send and receve letters, but keeping in touch the “old-timey” way can be super gratifying for adults, too. 6. Neighborhood Games Most of us have seen sweet chalk drawings popping up around our neighborhoods. Did you know the hearts are messages of love and support, a way for neighbors to show solidarity during these uncertain and isolating times? Pick a nice day, head out to your driveway or sidewalk, and draw a heart or write an uplifting note. You just might make someone’s day. |
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