Did you know you can train your brain to be happier?
Over the last 50 years, study after study has shown that happiness can largely be controlled by the choices we make in our lives. According to Dr. Katherine Nelson-Coffey, author of “The Power of Happiness in Positive Psychology 101,” a person’s baseline happiness quotient is 40% genetic and 10% a result of whether our fundamental needs (shelter, food, safety, etc.) are met. The other 50% of our happiness quotient – the largest portion of what makes us happy – is our mindset.* This is great news for all of us, but especially for people struggling to get through (or rebound from) stressors. At this moment in history, we are collectively experiencing some BIG sources of stress: global pandemic, racial inequities, rioting and looting, plus the innumerable little stressors in our lives: traffic, passive-aggressive co-workers, lost keys, crying babies, and so forth. So how do we make ourselves happier? Let’s start with the “Happiness Dont’s:” 1. Perfectionism: When we strive to meet intangible goals and inappropriate levels of expectations, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment and unhappiness. Instead, set reasonable, achievable goals, set healthy boundaries, and reality-check expectations of yourself and others (including your children, coworkers, friends, etc). 2. Social Comparison: Measuring our social and personal worth by comparing ourselves to others is a recipe for disaster. While it is healthy to admire qualities or talents in others, comparison should be limited to self-evaluation. In other words, we should only compare ourselves to who we were in the past. 3. Materialism: I’ll be the first to admit: I LOVE shopping. I’ve even been known to refer to Target as “my happy place.” And while filling our carts with adorable finds makes us feel good in the moment, attaching happiness to external things is dangerous. The “high” of a new material acquisition is fleeting: items break or get lost, financial situations change, the shopper’s high wears off, and our happiness plummets. 4. Maximizing: Bigger is not always better. Constantly looking for better options and wanting newer, bigger things is a one-way ticket to misery. Instead of seeking upgrades at every turn, focus on being present and finding gratitude in small moments. 5. Waiting: Many people link their potential happiness to a future event. How many times have you thought, “I’ll be happy when I get (fill in the blank)?” Don’t wait to be happy. Life is short. Think of things you are grateful for, and be happy today. Now for the “Happiness Do’s:” 1. Altruism: The vast majority of “happiness experts” (yes, it’s a thing) agree that the number one way to increase our own happiness is to help others. While this advice may sound counterintuative, it actually makes perfect sense. Helping others makes us feel good, reminds us of the blessings in our own lives, and increases our capacity for compassion which, in turn, boosts our happiness. Also, while we cannot control receiving, we can control giving. And that control – real or perceived – makes us happy. 2. Pursue Goals, Not Dreams: In order to increase our happiness, we must set tangible, achievable goals. This doesn’t mean you can’t dream of big, long-range goals; however, such goals should be broken down into small steps, and the completion of each step should be celebrated (because celebrating makes us happier). 3. Know (and Practice) Your Strengths: Assess your strengths and find new ways to use them. You might not always love everything that needs to be done but you can use your strengths to tackle the hard stuff. Consider whether you can outsource at least some of the tasks you don’t enjoy doing or aren’t good at and find more ways to use your strengths, because being strong and useful feels fabulous. 4. Invest in Friendships: Having real, in person, close-knit friendships is guaranteed to make you happier. While casual acquaintances, online “friends,” and professional colleagues are also important, these relationships don’t generate the same level of well-being as your true friends. Nurture your true friendships and make time to get together, even if it’s via video chat. 5. Count Your Blessings: Make a consistent effort to think about the good things in your life. Express gratitude, out loud, every day. Saying “thank you” often – whether it’s to your coworkers, your partner, or the lady at the grocery check-out – will make others feel good, strengthen your relationships, and boost your happiness quotient. 6. Practice: Even those who are genetically predisposed to despair can become incrementally happier with practice. Use the above suggestions as a guide, and try doing at least one thing per day to boost your happiness. Studies have proven that happiness and resilience are closely linked. Happy people believe they have the tools and grit to overcome difficulties in life (AKA: resilience), and resilience increases subjective well-being (AKA: happiness). This means we can simultaneously increase both our happiness and our resilience. And everyone loves a two-for-one deal, amiright? *Depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions are real. Whether or not you’ve experienced a traumatic event, if you are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, I strongly encourage you to seek professional help. Reach out to a medical provider in your area or call the confidential National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
0 Comments
Over the last several months, much of the world has encountered a once-in-a-lifetime workplace shift. Tens of millions of employees have been laid off, furloughed, or forced to accept cutbacks in hours and pay. Small businesses are struggling to stay afloat as owners are forced to dip into their personal savings. The lucky few who still have full time jobs may find themselves suddenly isolated, working from home with little to no interaction with their peers, colleagues, and mentors.
These struggles have produced high levels of stress and anxiety, and have tested our collective resilience in unprecedented ways. As many businesses reopen, owners and managers will find themselves asking, “How can I get my team back on track?” Here’s the good news: research shows that, even in casual work relationships, resilience is contagious. In a recent study, behavioral statistician Joseph Folkman identified a list of the most “contagious behaviors” that improve workplace resiliency. According to Folkman, “When a person performs these behaviors well, their peers mirror these behaviors, and persons who perform these behaviors poorly seem to teach the opposite lesson.” As many of us head back to our offices and workplaces, leaders should consider the following steps to reengage and reinvigorate your workforce: 1. Energy and enthusiasm is contagious, but so is low energy and lack of enthusiasm. Try to be positive and show up with a smile every day! 2. Strive to over-deliver. Wanting to improve yourself and your work product is contagious. So is the tendency to slack off and do the minimum it takes to get by. Set an example by taking pride in your work and striving for continuous improvement. 3. Take on new challenges. Setting big goals encourages others to do the same. 4. Be a cheerleader for others. Celebrate big and little successes and make an effort to inspire others to high levels of achievement, 6. Find ways to change and improve the status quo. Be brave enough to speak up and share new ideas. Courage is contagious! 7. Don’t be afraid to ask your coworkers for feedback. Asking others’ opinions doesn’t make you appear weak; it actually demonstrates bravery and makes you a more effective leader. 8. Take feedback to heart, and use it to improve yourself and your business. When employees see you taking action based on their feedback, they will feel valued and encouraged to work harder. 9. Walk the walk. Endeavor to be a role model for other employees. Seeing you take charge and follow through will encourage others to try harder. 10. Embrace change. Acknowledge areas where change is needed and make a plan. Change can be difficult but, if done correctly, can improve both your business and the resilience of those involved. As businesses reopen, what steps will you take to model resilience and inspire others? Resilience is an equal opportunity character trait. It’s not reserved only for those who’ve endured the most difficult, traumatic situations imaginable, nor is it a cinch to master resilience if you’ve met relatively few challenges in life. Constructing resiliency in your own life requires a Swiss Army Knife of instruments you can use every day to sharpen your skill and carve away the negativity that is stunting your personal growth.
1. Thought Rescue: When you’re stuck with that heavy burden of death-spiral negativity, attempting to think your way out of it is futile. Take action that occupies mind and body simultaneously, even in short doses: exercise, deep breathing, using a meditation app or wearing a pendant, bracelet or ring that you can physically touch will force a pause in that wave that’s pulling you under. 2. Fact-Check Your Imagined Doom: Step back from yourself to ask: What is the worst that can happen? Is the worst-case scenario the most likely outcome? What is true? Feelings are real, but they are not reality or a permanent state of being. You may feel like a total failure after the loss of a job or relationship, but if you take the time to detail other aspects of your life beyond that single situation, you will likely find a number of things you are doing right or have done right, debunking your “total failure” self-assessment. 3. Do Hard Things: Avoiding discomfort is natural, but failure and hard work are an opportunity to build your resilience resume. What you avoid will usually come back again and again until you’ve learned the lesson meant for you. Reframe your outlook by exchanging the term “hard” for “challenging.” This automatically set yourself up as a challenger who can rise to the occasion. Choose to challenge yourself even in small ways where success is likely to build your challenger resume. Even having a difficult conversation or tackling junk drawer organization can be chalked up as a challenge. Pursuing what makes us uncomfortable and overcoming it builds resilience. 4. Resilience Journal: Make a list of challenges and failures you’ve previously experienced. How did you succeed? What did you learn? From a distant lens, can you see how you grew and developed from failures? Can you see how you may have benefited in the midst of hard times? Practice looking back as a dispassionate observer to assess the experiences of everyone involved in a particular conflict. How would you handle this situations differently now? Note your capacity to overcome and succeed or survive! 5. Visualization: What does success look like? Imagining the specifics of who you will be, how you will feel and how you will look back on your current challenges is an important tool for getting out of a negative, defeatist headspace and equipping yourself with a triumphant view of your future self. 6. Look for Silver Linings: A fancy word for this is “reappraisal ability,” but what it really means is the ability to find the positive (and generate positive emotions) in the midst of very grim situations. On the worst days, “I have oxygen to breathe” may be all you can muster, but it’s a start. If you can’t see any positives in your current state, can you look back to previous challenges to see what positives were hiding just behind the clouds? Can you identify opportunities that came from past difficulties or what opportunities could come from this one? If it’s tough to do in your own life, you can even practice this with fictional characters in movies or on TV. What advice would you give them? Could that same advice apply to you? “Your loss is not a test, a lesson, something to handle, a gift, or a blessing. Loss is simply what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen.” - David Kessler
Today, as we collectively battle coronavirus, millions of people around the world are grieving. Our losses might be big (the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, the end of a relationship) or small (missing prom or vacation, not being able to meet our friends for lunch, not being able to hug our grandparents). Whatever the nature or magnitude of our losses, each is valid and worthy of our grief. Most of us have at least a passing knowledge of the 5 stages of grief, as established by Elisabeth Kubler Ross:
In her later years, Kubler Ross went on to collaborate with fellow death and grieving expert, David Kessler. Together, they developed a new, sixth stage of grief: finding meaning. In his book, “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief,” Kessler wrote: “Grief is extremely powerful. It’s easy to get stuck in your pain and remain bitter, angry, or depressed. Grief grabs your heart and doesn't seem to let go.” “But if you can manage to find meaning in even the most senseless loss, you can do more than get unstuck. When circumstances are at their worst, you can find your best. You can keep growing and finding ways to live a good life and someday even a joyous life, one enriched by the lessons and love of the person who died.” “Ultimately, meaning comes through finding a way to sustain your love for the person after their death while you’re moving forward with your life.” Kessler also provides the following advice on applying meaning to your grief:
Whether you’re grieving a big loss or a small loss, things will get better. You are resilient. You’ve got this. And, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, I’m here to help. Where does resilience originate? Research shows resilience is a learned trait, one that is developed through life experiences, and not an innate attribute we possess at birth. So what makes certain people more resilient than others? What inspires one person to conquer adversity, while another individual, faced with similar circumstances, surrenders to failure?
According to Christian Moore, author of “The Resilience Breakthrough,” resilient people are motivated by one of four factors: 1. Relational Resilience: Those with relational resilience are inspired to succeed because they recognize that others depend on them. They draw strength from the emotional support of others, enjoy serving others, and thrive on human connection. 2. Street Resilience: Individuals who exhibit street resilience take the pain of their experiencs (including social inequality, disrespect, or mistakes) and use it as fuel to overcome obstacles. They use their rage as a catalyst to create success, and they direct their hurt and anger toward a cause rather than an individual. 3. Resource Resilience: People with resource resilience recognize they are in control of their ability to overcome obstacles, and they use resources already available to them to find strength. They are aware of their vast capabilities, including spontaneity, talents, relationships, physical assets, personality traits, and work ethic. They are also able to assess and develop their untapped potential. 4. Rock Bottom Resilience: These individuals are able to tap into their strength and resilience only after hitting their lowest point in life. Once a person hits rock bottom, they realize that losing in the past does not equal losing in the future. They are then able to take control, believe in themselves, and refuse to be defined by negative labels previously assigned by themselves or others. If you recognize your motivation to push past adversity, you can focus on the strengths you already possess to come out stronger on the other end. So, readers, what type of resilience are you using to get yourself through these uncertain times? |
Archives |