Finding Meaning After Loss

“Your loss is not a test, a lesson, something to handle, a gift, or a blessing. Loss is simply what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen.” - David Kessler

Today, as we collectively battle coronavirus, millions of people around the world are grieving. Our losses might be big (the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, the end of a relationship) or small (missing prom or vacation, not being able to meet our friends for lunch, not being able to hug our grandparents). Whatever the nature or magnitude of our losses, each is valid and worthy of our grief.

Most of us have at least a passing knowledge of the 5 stages of grief, as established by Elisabeth Kubler Ross:

1. Denial - shock and disbelief that the loss has occurred
2. Anger - that someone we love is no longer there
3. Bargaining - all the what-ifs and regrets
4. Depression - sadness from the loss
5. Acceptance - acknowledging the reality of the loss

​In her later years, Kubler Ross went on to collaborate with fellow death and grieving expert, David Kessler. Together, they developed a new, sixth stage of grief: finding meaning.

In his book, “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief,” Kessler wrote: “Grief is extremely powerful. It’s easy to get stuck in your pain and remain bitter, angry, or depressed. Grief grabs your heart and doesn't seem to let go.”

“But if you can manage to find meaning in even the most senseless loss, you can do more than get unstuck. When circumstances are at their worst, you can find your best. You can keep growing and finding ways to live a good life and someday even a joyous life, one enriched by the lessons and love of the person who died.”

“Ultimately, meaning comes through finding a way to sustain your love for the person after their death while you’re moving forward with your life.”

Kessler also provides the following advice on applying meaning to your grief:

1. Personal & Relative: Meaning is personal, so it will be experienced differently by each individual. You are the only one who can find your meaning.
2. Time Limit: Meaning, like grief, has no time limit. It may take months or years after your loss to find meaning.
3. Why: Meaning can be found in the absence of understanding. You don’t need to understand why something happened (e.g. why your loved one died) to find meaning in the event.
4. No Deal: Despite finding meaning, you’ll never feel it was worth the cost of what you lost.
5. Blessing: “Your loss is not a test, a lesson, something to handle, a gift, or a blessing. Loss is simply what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen.”
6. Healing: Meaningful connections have the ability to heal painful memories.

Whether you’re grieving a big loss or a small loss, things will get better. You are resilient. You’ve got this. And, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, I’m here to help.